The Not Quite Tragic Tale of Noms, The Zombie
by Zeviz
Summary: After getting a comment "Noms, zombie brain eater" in a review for another crackfic, I realized that the story of this "Noms" just had to be told. The resulting epic poem has almost no relation to HP, but I suppose I can loosely call it "HP fanfiction".


_AN: This was inspired by anywhere_but_nj's review comment about "Noms, zombie brain eater". I realized that I just had to write more about the life, or un-life, as the case may be, of this Noms. Here is the result. It has almost no relation to HP, but I suppose I can loosely call it "HP fanfiction"._

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><p>The Not Quite Tragic Tale of Noms, The Zombie Brain-Eater<p>

Noms had once been amazing Death Eater.  
>You could not find a man who was neater.<br>But he displeased Voldemort,  
>Who didn't send him to court,<br>But turned him into zombie brain-eater.

Now Noms is a zombie brain-eater.  
>For the task no one could be fitter.<br>On your brains he will munch,  
>Between breakfast and lunch,<br>And declare that they tasted bitter.

One day Noms was lurking in an alley,  
>Thinking that he'd prefer a green valley,<br>When he saw a small dog,  
>Whose brains taste like eggnog,<br>And chased it onto an ancient galley.

Galley's captain saw him and declared:  
>Our fate this man seems to have shared.<br>We'll add him to slave crew,  
>which our oars always drew:<br>One more zombie for whom no one cared.

Poor Noms on high seas now sailing,  
>Against currents and winds is prevailing,<br>Hoping he can munch  
>On some tourist for lunch,<br>A tourist who on his yacht is flailing.

But yachts are always sailing too fast,  
>And the yammiest brains do not last,<br>Because officers must  
>Get their portions fast,<br>And Noms' place in the food line is last.

So one night, looking at the full moon,  
>Noms decided that some time quite soon<br>From the ship He must run  
>To have time for some fun<br>And enjoy a fresh brain before June.

One night when they caught a cruise ship,  
>Brains fat-covered from tourists to rip,<br>While the crew was at feast,  
>Noms walked off into mist,<br>And sailed lifeboat to oceans deep.

Now Noms is sailing oceans deep,  
>In lifeboat that looks like a sheep.<br>But he can never find  
>Any creature with mind,<br>Whose brain would be a good fruit to reap.

Thus, unable to find brains to reap,  
>Noms spends most of his time in deep sleep,<br>While the current him carries  
>Past the routes of ferries,<br>Towards shore covered in cliffs quite steep.

On the cliff is a beautiful vision:  
>Girl whose shape moonlight draws with precision.<br>Hungry Noms, now fully awake,  
>Hopes girl jumps in ocean, not lake.<br>Jumping from cliffs he views with derision.

But the girl isn't eager to jump.  
>Next to her Noms can see a strange lump.<br>The lump flies in the air:  
>Batlike creature is there,<br>Which flies off beyond distant cliff's hump.

Very soon the strange creature returns.  
>Over Noms' boat in circles it turns,<br>Then catches air drift,  
>To clifftop gets a lift,<br>And to its female master returns.

On the creature the girl gets a seat.  
>Moonlit rider is looking quite neat<br>Until it makes a plunge,  
>Towards Noms' boat lunge<br>So fast, he can't make a retreat.

On Noms' boat creature, rider, alight.  
>Rider's hair shines white in moonlight.<br>She gets off, stretches hand.  
>Doesn't she understand?<br>She is looking like snack for the night.

But whatever of her Noms think may,  
>She's not scared of his zombie way.<br>"Hi," she says to her host.  
>"You look lonely and lost.<br>And my name Luna is, by the way."

"I am working on a zombie cure.  
>And you'll want to try it, I am sure."<br>So with friendly smile,  
>She gives him potion vile,<br>That smells strongly of fresh horse manure.

By his guest Noms is very confused,  
>And is not in the least bit amused.<br>Sure, she looks quite good,  
>But he isn't in the mood<br>To eat brain that's for craziness used.

This strange "Luna" is very persistent.  
>Tired of her convincing insistent,<br>Noms at her tries to lunge,  
>Claws into her to plunge,<br>But instead hits barrier resistant.

"I see now that you are quite mean,  
>But I still can some useful things glean."<br>Luna flashes her wand,  
>Utters a quick command,<br>And binds Noms using forces unseen.

After that, Luna her potion takes,  
>In moonlight contemplatively shakes,<br>And then pours the lot  
>Down poor Noms' throat,<br>After which pain his back quickly rakes.

Noms expected to lose zombiehood,  
>And to stop craving taste of brain food.<br>But that's not what he saw:  
>Potion new had a flaw,<br>And made him grow wings for flight good.

"I am sorry, I truly don't know,  
>Why result so strange you should show."<br>Luna flashes her wand,  
>Utter a quick command,<br>And the forces restraining Noms slow.

Thinking "this craziness is contagious",  
>Noms decides to make escape courageous.<br>His wing he quickly flaps,  
>Air currents he slaps,<br>And flies off from this place outrageous.

The End.  
>(Or is it?)<p> 


End file.
